01, Why do we always want to wait for an apology

Have you ever had a moment like this:
Although I knew it had been a long time, I still kept thinking back in my heart, ‘Why didn’t he admit that he was wrong?’ “As long as he says sorry, I’ll let go.”

Sometimes, when we think we are waiting for an apology, we are actually waiting for confirmation:
I deserve to be cared for, respected, and seen.

So when an apology doesn’t come, anger, grievance, and shame intertwine, and we get stuck in repeated internal friction and obsession

02. Psychological mechanism: How victim complex traps us

In psychological counseling, we often encounter this pattern:

Being persistent in making others admit their mistakes is not fundamentally to make things better, but to prove that ‘I am not wrong, I am worthy of love’

This obsession is closely related to early experiences:
The unresponsive native family: When we were young, we suffered grievances, but no one spoke up for us;

Unstable attachment relationships: Once, we tried hard to please important people, but still were overlooked

Neglected self-worth: repeatedly feeling ‘not good enough’, so more eager for external affirmation

So as we grow up, we will habitually equate ‘others admitting their mistakes’ with’ I am recognized and loved’

03. Cases

Case A: Lisa repeatedly said during the consultation:

Lisa repeatedly said during the consultation: I’m not insisting on getting back together with him, I just want him to apologize.

Her ex betrayed her in their relationship and denied everything when they broke up, leaving Lisa in long-lasting pain and anger.
She once believed that if the other party could admit their mistake, she could completely let go.

As the consultation deepened, she gradually discovered that,
What really made her uncomfortable was not ‘not waiting for an apology’, but the activation of the feelings of being ignored and denied time and time again when she was a child.

As we touched that old wound together, she began practicing shifting her focus from ‘making him admit’ to ‘seeing herself’, gradually regaining her sense of strength.

Case B: Anan – ‘Not being apologized is not being loved’

Anan often argues with her partners over trivial matters in their marriage. The thing he cares most about is: ‘No matter right or wrong, he refuses to say sorry’. Anan thinks that this means his partner doesn’t love him enough.

In the consultation, we helped her distinguish between：

“partner not apologizing” ≠ “I am not worthy of love”

She realized that her anger was not solely directed towards her partner, but towards that ‘childhood that was never seen’.

When she learns to express her needs in a safer way, such as “I need to be understood” or “I need to be seen,” the tension in the relationship will gradually decrease

04. Three inspirations for overcoming the victim complex

（1）Allow demand to exist, but do not relinquish power.

(2) Continuously distinguish between ‘past traumas’ and ‘current relationships’

（3）Searching for ‘safe people’ to rebuild a sense of power